Short Jokes 3

A stranger was seated next to little Daniel on the plane. Thestranger turned to the boy and said "Lets talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if your strike up a conversation with your fellowpassenger."

Little Daniel, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I dont't know" said the stranger "How about nuclear power?"

"Ok," said little Daniel, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and deer all eat grass. It's the same stuff, yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger, "I have no idea."

"Well, then" said little Daniel, "how is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit."

Just wanted to let you know I bought myself the latest in car stereo's this week. It's got the new voice recognition built in.

Then yesterday some kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "Fucking Kids!" It played Michael Jackson

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: "Wow! that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each be punished, and in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool ! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone they would really miss !!

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is..."Top o' the mornin to ya." As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket."So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman."Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jesus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything!"

For all the guys who have asked, "What is marketing?", the following analogies will help clear it up...

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
- That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
- That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
- That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
- That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
- That's Spam.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"