Short Jokes #2

Fu Bu and Chu

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.  They decided to become American Citizens, and  "Americanize" their names. 

Bu - called himself "Buck" 
Chu called himself "Chuck" 
and Fu had to go back to China

In the Groove

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, "Not too thick,  not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake. The guy then orders a box of fries, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove." 

The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries. Then the guy orders a hamburger, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove." On hearing this,the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, "You can just kiss my ass!!,  not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the groove.

Married Life

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.  The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." So, Mother was happy. 

Then the second daughter got married and te message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. 

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted: The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.

Being a Dick is Hard

Being a dick is Hard. 
I have a eye I can't see with. 
I have a head I can't think with. 
I hang around with 2 nuts all the time. 
My neighbour's an asshole. 
My best friend is a pussy. 
And worst of all... 
My master beats me all the time.

You're Next

Old aunts of mine used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next, you're next." 

They stopped, after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

A day at the vets office

There were two extremely unhappy dogs, a collie and a cocker spaniel, in a vets office.

"So what are you here for?", the collie said to the cocker spaniel.

"Oh, I'm here because my master's mad at me for pissing on the carpet, he's going to put me to sleep"

"Really?", said the collie, "My master's going to put me to sleep too, I keep crapping in his shoes".

The two dogs were hanging their heads and bemoaning their fate when a German shepherd is put in a cage next to them.

"What are you here for?" said the cocker spaniel.

"Well, my mistress was coming out of taking a shower, and bent over to pick up her towel, well, I just couldn't resist myself, so I mounted her.

"You did!" said the collie, " So, is she putting you to sleep too?"

"Oh no!" said the German shepherd" I'm just here to get my nails trimmed".

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Simplicity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and temperatures ranging from freezing to over 300C.

When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.

Worms

4 worms were placed into 4 separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar
of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After 24 Hours:
First worm.... Dead
Second worm... Dead
Third worm.... Dead
Fourth worm... Alive

What can we learn from this???

As long as you drink, smoke, and screw,... you won't get worms

Finish what you started