Short Jokes #1

Harley Davidson

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." 

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says,
"Ah, yes." 

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 

1. there's too much front end protrusion 
2. it chatters at high speeds 
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and 
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust." 

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes,and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.  "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

Love Cake Recipe

Ingredients: 

2 Loving Eyes 
2 Loving Arms 
2 Well Shaped Legs 
2 Firm Milk Containers 
1 Fur Lined mixing Bowl 
2 Large Nuts 
1 Large Banana (small will do) 

Method: 

1. Look into Loving Eyes. 
2. Fold in Loving Arms. 
3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 
4. Squeeze and massage milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 
5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 
6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. 

**Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. 

Warning: If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.!!!!

Dirty Mind

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 

"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!

Pickle Slicer

A man starts a new job in a pickle factory but after a week has to visit the psychiatrist. "I've got to leave the pickle factory", he said. "Every time I go there I have an inexplicable urge to put my prick in the pickle slicer!" 

The psychiatrist tells him to relax and go back to work. After a week he came back and said his urge had got worse. The psychiatrist calmed him down and sent him back to work again. The next week he came back looking really dejected and said "I finally did it. I put my prick in the pickle slicer." 

"What happened?" exclaimed the psychiatrist. 

"The boss came in and caught me and I got the sack." 

"What about the pickle slicer?" asked the psychiatrist. 

"Oh", said the man, "She got the sack as well."

The Cockroach

A stern father was taking his little son Johnny for a walk in the park when a honeybee landed on a rock in front of them. The little boy stepped forward and crushed the bee with his shoe. The father said, "That was cruel, you'll get no honey for a whole year." Later, Johnny deliberately stepped on a butterfly. "Just for that," his father said, "you'll have no butter for a year."

When they returned home, Johnny's mother was fixing dinner. As they walked into the kitchen, she spied a cockroach and immediately crushed it. Johnny looked at his father impishly and asked, "Shall I tell her, Dad, or will you?"

Toilet Paper

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want  your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." 

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replys. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make them grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Seamen

It seems there were two whales that came upon a boat of shipwrecked sailors. The male  whale said "lets have some fun and swim real close to the boat and then both blow out our  blowholes hard and sink the boat." 

So the two whale approached the boat and blew out hard and the turbulence caused the boat  to sink, and the two whales swam away laughing. The male whale said, "that was fun, let's go  back and eat some of those sailors." 

The female exclaimed, "No Way!!!! I went along with the blowjob, but no way am I  swallowing any seamen."

Stiff At Last

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift: a tombstone, with the inscription, "Here lies my wife-cold as ever." 

Later, the furious wife bought a return present, also a tombstone, on which was scripted, "Here lies my husband-stiff at last."

The First Period

Adam goes to God, and says "God, Eve has a problem... she's bleeding!" 
God asks, "Where is she bleeding from?" "between her legs!" replies Adam. 
"Oh, no problem...she is supposed to do that, I made her that away..." replies God. "Oh, good, we were really worried." Says Adam . Where is she now?" asks God. "She is down at the stream washing up." replies Adam. God says, 
"Oh great, now I will never get the smell out of those fish!"

The Reporter

A cub reporter covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, Mental patient escapes". 

The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees". 

The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and 
try again. 

Much later he came back with "Nut Screws and Bolts".