Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said
to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so
they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."
On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!
Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
For two hours..some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days..just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
At christmas time I sat on santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a present he gave me!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I.. you never put out for me."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex.She said.."No.. one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude..but I didn't see the mouse trap.
A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to message parlor. It was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.."Are you going to hate
yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms
I tell you, my psychiatrist's a beauty, he told me I got a split personality and from now on I have to pay him twice. Oh, my wife, she's happy I got a split personality, yeah, she likes two guys at once.
Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!
Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!
My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!
I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!
I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting to fighters - my wife and her mother.
I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....
In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!
I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!
Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.
Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.
Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!
And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.
I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop. She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."
I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."
My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves!
I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.
I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet.
Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!
When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic!
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.
I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like!
And I was an ugly kid. Everytime my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breastfed me through a straw.
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