Clinton Jokes

Differences Between Nixon & Clinton

Nixon: Watergate  Clinton: Water Bed  Nixon: His biggest fear the Cold War  Clinton: His biggest fear a Cold Sore  Nixon: Carpet bombing  Clinton: Carpet burning  Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek  Clinton: His Vice President is a geek  Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger  Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her  Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick  Clinton: No difference  Nixon: Ex-President  Clinton: Sex-President  Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak  Clinton: Famous for bring widows to their peak  Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy  Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot  Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh  Clinton: Took on Ho  Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor  Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"  Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"  Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape  Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase You know, they could clear this whole Fornigate mess up, if Monica would just cough up the evidence!  Q: Has the recent "ForniGate" scandal completely ruined the presidency?  A: No, but it's brought at least one of the interns to their knees!  If it's oral, it's not immoral.  There is a new female intern in the White House. She is going around meeting the staff, shaking their hands, she then meets Clinton. She shakes his hand and he says.." You must be new, I've never come across your face before." What was found on Monica Lewinsky's dress? A spot of Presidue.  Bill Clinton, in his recent deposition before Ken Starr's grand jury, strongly denied he had screwed up. "I didn't screw up - Monica was *NEVER* on top"  Remember Perot said he heard a loud sucking sound out of Washington? Well...  At a news conference, a journalist said to the President, "Paula Jones said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this.  "The truth is, said Clinton, that she has a big mouth."  IF SHE DID NOT SPIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT  Why did Bill Clinton buy a MALE Chocolate Lab for the FIRST DOG? Because there was already one FIRST BITCH in the White House.  Why did Clinton give his speech in the Maproom? Because he was confessing he and Monica had been around the world.
Q: What is the newest game at the White House these days?  A: Swallow the Leader!  Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?  A: Only 1,500 people went down on the Titanic!  Q: Why did Kenneth Starr go after Monica Lewinsky?  A: Because he though she really blew it...  Q: Where did Bill Clinton buy the dress for Monica Lewinsky?  A: Seaman's  Q: What movie does Bill Clinton show to seduce White House interns?  A: Free Willy  Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?  A: Goats don't talk...  SURVEY SAYS...!  An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:  Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?  1% said, "No"  2% said, "Yes"  97% said, "Never Again"

Overheard from Al Gore's office: 

"I'm just a blow job away from the presidency" 

Monica Lewinsky went shopping for a car last weekend. I hear she wanted one with an adjustable 
steering wheel. It's because that gives you more head room. 

Anyone who gives the President oral sex is qualified to work for Revlon. Think about it. Who would know better what wouldn't come off? And what won't leave lipstick on his briefs? 

What Was REALLY Being Said In Clinton's Speech on August 17^th 

We applied our patented Bullshit-Canceller 9000 to see what President Clinton was *really* saying in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.  [translated comments in brackets] 

CLINTON: Good evening. 
[Yo.] 

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. 
[Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.] 

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer. 
[I was lying like a cheap carpet to cover my ass] 

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight. 
[That prick Starr's nailed me good.] 

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica  Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information. 
[I conned those dumb bastards during the January deposition. Now it's your turn.] 

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. 
[Boy do I love this New Age psychobabble.] 

In fact, it was wrong. 
[What's a hummer between friends? Go Baby!!] 

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible. 
[I was as horny as a Blue Tick Hound.] 


But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action. 
[Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullshit.] 

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression. 
[Harry Thomason better keep his day job.] 

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that. 
[I'd do it again in a heartbeat.] 

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the 
embarrassment of my own conduct. 
[I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.] 

I was also very concerned about protecting my family. 
[Not to mention my balls; Hillary has her own version of 'Soccer'.] 

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too. 
[I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.] 

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago. 
[Damnation, I should've made a couple of million there.] 

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation. 
[I'll get those bastards who caught me with my hand in the Nookie jar.] 

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people. 
[Screw them...Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Waaaaaahhh!!] 

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most-my wife and our daughter--and our God. 
[Damn...I forgot to bring the family Bible. Harry said I should use some props.] 

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. 
[If you think I bullshitted you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!] 

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life. 
[Gotta go over them FBI raw-data files again.] 

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do. 
[I got busted, but I'll get those bastards, Trust me!] 

Now it is time-in fact, it is past time--to move on. 
[Mommy! Make the Bad Man stop!!] 

We have important work to do-real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face. 
[Wonder if Vernon scoped out the Black Dog and Geraldo's sailboat?] 

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century. 
[Jesus...gotta stop...the shit is over my waders.] 

Thank you for watching. 
[You rubes better keep buyin Ole Slick's act.] 

And Good Night. [Eat me!!] 
 

Should we rename it The Oral Office? 

Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds, George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. 
He said, "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over." Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?" After a few seconds, Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?" 


Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? --He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. 

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? --They were both upset when Bill finished first. 

What is Bill's definition of safe sex? --When Hillary is out of town. 

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? He offers to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. 

Clinton looks up from his desk and sees one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President. 

What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? --"Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." 

How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite? --It Takes A Village! 

"One thing's for sure about Clinton...He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" 

What's the most truthful item on Monica Lewinsky's resume? --"Sat on the Presidential Staff" 



Application for White House Internship 


Greetings, prospective White House interns! 


This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the 
Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! 

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: 

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world! 

* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! 

* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! 

* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! 

Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: 

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president.... 

"Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. 

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. 

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at 
president@whitehouse.gov. 


Name: Hometown: Sex: F Age: Measurements (required for medical purposes): 


How many beers it takes to get you ... ... giggly: ... drunk: ... hot: ... to lie to a federal prosecutor: 

Quick quiz: 

1. You've always considered the White House: a) a monument to democracy. b) the place where great leaders meet. c) vaguely erotic. d) extremely erotic. 

2. Hillary Clinton is a(n): a) model wife and mother. b) icon of late-20th-century femininity. c) obstacle. d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world. 

3. You've always wanted to know more about the President's: a) Israeli policies. b) childhood in Hope, Ark. c) romper room d) "monument to democracy." 

4. My social life as an intern would likely consist of: a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns. b)reading and studying. c) late nights working at the White House. d) late nights working the White House. 

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you. 



Did Monica like her job at the Pentagon? --The work was OK, but the benefits sucked. 

If the job was so boring, why didn't she quit? --She didn't want to blow another opportunity. 

Does Monica love animals? --Yes, she's repeatedly tried to tame an Arkansas White Snake, with  intermittent success. 

Excerpted from the President's recent deposition-- 

Q: Has Monica Lewinsky ever been to the Oval Office? 

Prez: We hung out in the building once or twice, but I never let her come in the Oval Office... 

Why can't Al Gore be Chief Executive? --Monica thinks he's tall enough, but he lacks Presidential timber. 

Why didn't Bill take Monica out to dinner? --There was always plenty to eat in the office. 

Why is dust piling up in the White House? --Because Kenneth Starr took away Clinton's best Hoover... 



Songs Banned in the White House 

Last week, singers Elton John and Stevie Wonder provided the entertainment for a special dinner for the President and British P.M. Tony Blair. 

4.I Just Called to Say I Love You, S. Wonder. 
3.The Bitch Is Back, E. John. 
2.Part-Time Lover, S. Wonder 
1.I'm Still Standing, E. John (think about it.) 

Q: What is Clinton's favorite brand of toothbrush? 
A: ORAL B. 

Q: What is Monica Lewinsky's favorite instrument? 
A: Well, she's pretty good on the piano, but she sucked on the organ. 

Q: What does it say on Monica Lewinsky's resume? 
A: She spent 18 months on the President's staff. 

Q: How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? 
A: He just keeps on plugging away. 

Q: What did Ronald Reagan say after hearing President Clinton's latest State of the Union speech? 
A: You know, Nancy, the man is a better actor than I ever was. 

I heard that Monica Lewinski's new job may be Director of the Head Start Program. 

Medical Studies have shown that in the White House, you not only can get AIDS from sex, but you can get sex from aides 

Q: Has the Clinton Presidency been blown? 
A: Well, he certainly has been brought to his knees, 

Bill Clinton never tried to fill his administration with "yes men". Instead, he wanted "yes women" in as many positions as possible. 

No President has brought pleasure to as many Americans as Bill Clinton. And that's only counting the interns. 

Bill Clinton -- the most hands-on President in history. 

Bill Clinton has an explanation for the entire scandal: "Those young interns have big mouths and like to blow things out of proportion." 

Q: What do Trent Lott and Monica Lewinsky have in common? 
A: They both want a better Missile Defense system. 

It's doubtful that President Clinton will ever be convicted of any of these sex-related charges. Starr will never be able to get the evidence to stand up in court. 

Most Americans think it's outrageous that a man Mr. Clinton's age is getting sex from a 21-year-old, but he did get a nice phone call from Woody Allen. 

President Clinton has vehemently denied that he told former intern Monica Lewinsky to lie. "What I 
actually said," claims the President, "was to lie down." 

Q: Why did Clinton stop playing the flute? 
A: He liked playing the whore Monica better 

TOP 11 CLINTON's EXCUSES 

11.Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top 
10.I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV 
9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16 
8. Hey, At least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Jennifer Flowers 
7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office 
6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname 
5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90's, I sent her E-MAIL! 
4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD! 
3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton. It's William KENNEDY Clinton. 
2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- oops,I mean it was in my genes. 
AND for those of you who remember the famous "I DIDN'T INHALE" comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse....................... 
1. "I didn't insert" 

Pope: Oh finally I'm in heaven. I've been waiting for this my whole life. 
Clinton: Waiting for what??? 
Pope: I've wanted to meet the virgin Mary my whole life. 
Clinton: I think you're too late. 

*What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have 
in common? 
Answer: They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill" here." 

Q:Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? 
A:Monica swallowed the evidence 

*Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw 
driver? 
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns. 

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" 
Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees." 

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? 
A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady. 

The Spelling Bee... Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. 
Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word. For the rest it was Her Ass. 

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? 
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. 

While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital the very next day. 

"Doc" he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it"? The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is but take these pills for a week and see if that 
takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else".Bill takes the pills for the week but,unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the pills hadn"t helped. 

So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions,"take them for a week and come back if it's not improved".Bill takes the capsules for a week and damn the red ring is still there. 

So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next"? The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. "Rub this on every day for a week and let me know".Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! 

That stuff in the tube was wonderful. What was it"? The doctor replied, "lipstick remover". 

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY BILL CLINTON DODGED THE DRAFT

10. He wanted to hang out with his friend Dan Quayle.
9. He was allergic to Vietnamese food.
8. He thought 'gook' meant the stains on Gennifer Flowers' panties.
7. He wanted to do one better than Gary Hart.
6. He had his weekly appointment with a hooker that day.
5. He needed some good scandals for when he ran for presidency. Soon we'll be hearing about how he smoked marijuana with his brother.
4. He heard that no women were in the army, and he wasn't too into Oriental chicks.
3. He was against the whore..Oops, I mean war.
2. When they said sign, he thought they meant a subscription to Penthouse.
1. He had to weigh his priorities...mow down the Vietcong or mow down Gennifer Flowers' lawn.


Clinton vs Titanic: Incredible Similarities 


TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long and $9.99 on the Internet. 

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. 
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. 

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. 

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. 

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. 

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. 

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70% 

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. 
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hilary.